What is communication and why is it so important? Well then - let me ask what is the number one reason given for people getting divorced? “They” say that it is money. That is a half truth. I strongly feel that it is the lack of communication with regard to money that causes the problems and ultimately the divorce.
I say it is the couple struggling financially when the wife goes out and buys another pocketbook without talking with her husband or the husband who buys more golf clubs without talking with his wife. You rationalization that it is OK because it was a huge sale, however your partner is saying you don’t need yet another pocketbook or golf club and you’re spending our money without talking about it.
We can all picture what happens next - right? It really does not matter who starts the ensuing argument and fight that follows. We have all seen, heard of or have been a part of one of these lack of communication fights. Why do they happen? They happen because the mentality is the same as if each were single. I make this money so I can buy this or I work hard so why shouldn’t I get this. we will discuss the money side of relationships in an upcoming blog.
The ensuing problem arrives because you are NOT single (but may very well be sooner then later if you keep this behavior up!). I believe if you are divorced you can relate to this to one degree or another and learn from it for the future. This goes for people in any serious relationship.
A relationship is based on trust and communication. Trust being that you respect and think of the other person or persons involved (spouse, children, partner, etc.) and will not do something that hurts them. Communication being that you are able to discuss anything openly and being comfortable confiding in the other. It is important to work on getting to a point where both of you can discuss anything without getting angry or judging what is being said. This means not just being able to say what you need to say but actually being in a conversation where you are also listening and being active about it.
So that leads us into what is active communication? It is NOT doing what most people believe communication is - saying what you have to say and then listening to the other person until a point is made that you want to reply to or have a thought about it. At this point you start putting together your thoughts and have just tuned out the other person and the rest of what they had to say. Some times we even assume that we know what they are going to say and interrupt them to “save time”. How many of you have even done that, or better yet have had that done to you? How does that make you feel? Yet we do it all the time - in our relationships, with our children, with friends.
Why is it so hard to just listen and let the other person say what is on there mind? To put it simply - we live in a world of instant gratification and do not want to wait but need to form our thoughts NOW! The problem: The mind is made to do one thing at a time (especially if you are a guy because that is our wiring), even though sometimes we feel like we are doing 30 things at once. So when we click into think mode then we click out of listen mode. Go ahead and think back to when this happened to you.
What about our kids? Everyone talks about how important communication is to keep kids out of trouble. And we do train our kids well. For instance, when we ask our kids why they did something and interrupt them because we think we know what they are going to say or because we are angry and don’t want to wait for them to finish.
So we are training them - training them to NOT speak with us. Why should they, if when they do we cut them off and make them feel like we are not really listening or we get angry. At a recent workshop I gave for Single Parents and teens I asked the parents how many thought that they where having effective communications with their teens. Do you know the result? All of them! This is pretty much what I get when that question is asked. Then I asked the teens how many feel that their parents take the time and actually hear them when they talk. What do you think that result was? You got it - all of them! Do you see any disparity here?
So how do we fix this canyon of separation? It is simple but not easy. Simple that you have to practice, like creating any other habit. It takes patience and remembering that you didn’t learn to drive a car in one day and now you hopefully are a good driver (otherwise let me know when you are on the road s I can get off). You have been using your communication, or lack thereof, for all these years so it takes time and it takes being conscious and present when communicating.
What I mean is you stay focused on what you are doing in that moment. If you are speaking then focus on what you are saying and think how it will land with the person you are talking with so you can present it the way you want and have it received the way you want. If you are listening then do not start thinking of your response but rather focus intensely on hearing every thing that persons says. That shows you are interested and respect what that person is saying.
You will find that you will better comprehend what the other person is saying and they of you. You will begin to notice that people will want to speak with you and each of you will be better understood. You will also find those miscommunications that seem to happen so often will now be very infrequent.
This is a big step forward. There are other tools that we will talk about at another time. This will give you time to get proficient at this so that the other things are more effective.
So really if there was meaningful, effective and mutual communication then as a couple or a family you can work on this and other challenges.
May this help reconnect and bring you closer to the people in your life!
So go out and start using this and I look forward to your comments on how this works for you!
With Love, Peace and Power,
Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
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rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein
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