Are You Conforming?

Are you unique or do you conform? We recognize and are taught at a young age that it can be much easier and beneficial to fit in. Nobody picks on you, your parents are happy you’re not getting in trouble, and you don’t stand out as being different.

Parents help mold their kids to fit in and to conform. They tell you, you can’t wear that because it does not look right and you can’t do that because that’s not the way things are done. So we see our kids beginning to conform, not making decisions for themselves but making decisions based on what others think! As a result they do not express their unique talents but rather suppress them to fit in. And so it begins!

If you are doing what it takes to fit in, when can you be yourself and when do you go too far? Do you ever lose sight of who you are in order to be someone who fits in better? Where and when do you draw the line to stop following others in order to belong? Are kids who live this life the ones you read about who got in trouble because they where just following someone else? They are just doing what everyone else is doing!

Adults can also put themselves in embarrassing or bad situations so they can be with the right crowd or they won’t speak up because no one else has (if you are 1st then you stand out - how uncomfortable!). Let’s go to extremes to prove a point. Let’s look at the people form Johannessburg who committed suicide as a group because they where told to or the old lynch mobs who went as a group to hang someone or the mobs who destroyed downtown LA because of a court ruling. What did they all have in common - a leader who started it and followers who needed to belong and needed someone to follow!

What I am saying is it is usually easier to follow the crowd but you can be so much more by going against the norm and being YOU - the genuine you! Thinking for yourself and making your own decisions! Not worrying what the others will think about you but following your core feelings deep in your gut! E.E. Cummings said it well,“The hardest battle in life, is to be nobody but yourself, in a world that is working night and day to make you like everybody else.”

When you lose sight of who you are and the choices you know are right in order to fit in and belong, you then give up on who you are and what you believe in. Is it worth belonging if you have to compromise on your beliefs? Is it worth training your kids to conform if it means hindering who they are? My own best friends, the ones I can always count on, are a result of me being me! As Dr. Suess so profoundly put it, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Some of the greatest discoveries happened because of individuals who did not go with the crowd but against it. Some of the most famous people in history who have contributed to society where laughed at for being different and not conforming.

People who said the world was not flat but round, people who said the planets did not revolve around the Earth but revolved around the sun instead, or light does not have to come from fire but can come from a thing called a bulb. Of course, let’s not forget our forefathers who rebelled against the British, at the risk of death because of their beliefs and willingness to act against the norm!

I am sure you can come up with many more stories but the fact is we move forward as a society because people stay true to themselves and follow their belief in who they are rather then conform and listen to what they are told they should be. The reality is you feel at peace with yourself when you are not putting on a front but when you are being you!

So the following quote is about being unique and going against the crowd to be all you can be, to put your own mark on this world and to make a difference!

“Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.” ~ Winston Churchill

Have a great weekend and hears to swimming up stream against the current!!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Why Can't I Understand?

This week we are going to touch on what it takes to understand. The route to understanding is through the use of effective communication and through connection with others. What do I mean by this?

To understand someone, first you have to be able to effectively communicate with them. One good way to do this is through the use of active communication. Active communication, in a nut shell, occurs when the listener places his/her full attention on the speaker and then repeats back what he/she heard to confirm that the speaker and the listener are both on the same page with what was said and what was heard.

The second component to understanding someone, is related to your connection with them. Why is connection so important? Because without it you lose a huge chunk of the opportunity to fully understand! Have you ever been "listening" to someone and find yourself thinking about something "more important"? How does that make you feel in relation to the other person who is speaking? How do you think the speaker feels when they realize you are not really paying attention to them? What do you feel when this happens to you? Do you feel connected?

Instead of connection you get separation! So we now know a great way to help connect us with someone is to give our full attention to the person speaking and use active communication to hear what they are saying, you need to be interested in what they are conveying and you need to then repeat back what you heard to confirm it is what was said and meant. Then the same process occurs when the roles are reversed.

How does this work with our kids? A great place to start is to not only take the time to listen and be interested in what they have to say and share, but to also go to the place they are in now. Read the books they are reading, listen to the music they are listening to, watch the shows they watch and do the things they like to do. This way when the conversations begin you are in their space and can relate on a much higher plain then if you just talk from a disconnected position. I believe we have all been in this place when we try to talk with our kids and they know we don't get it and so they no longer are interested in talking with us – we just created a disconnect.

Now, because you have taken the time to do what they do, you can ask them questions or discuss their opinions from a place of understanding and yet it does not necessarily have to be in agreement. Disagreement can make for some interesting conversations and a better understanding of each others point of view. Amazing things happen when you get down to your kids levels, do what they like and then be able to talk to them about it. You are showing them that you care about them, you want to understand them and you want to be a part of their world too.

This my friend creates connection and allows your relationship with your kids to go to the next level. What we are talking about does not only apply to your kids but also applies to life in general. When you take the time and interest to connect with any one you will see the difference this makes in that relationship; whether a family member, someone you are dating, married to or someone you work with - getting connected makes a huge difference!

With this in mind here is our Quote of the Week:

"Understanding is a two-way street." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

So this week our challenge to you is to take your relationship to the next level with your kids and start doing the things they do and see how your relationship blossoms.

If you are already doing this, that is fantastic! Think on what you can do to take it to another level?

Please forward this to anyone who can benefit from what we are sharing and we would love to get your feedback on how this has changed your relationships by email at info@SingeParentPower.com!

Have a wonderful week and stay connected!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - "Helping Reconnect Families"
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
479-935-3986 - Arkansas Office
516-355-1552 - New York Office

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein

What Is Communication?

What is communication and why is it so important? Well then - let me ask what is the number one reason given for people getting divorced? “They” say that it is money. That is a half truth. I strongly feel that it is the lack of communication with regard to money that causes the problems and ultimately the divorce.

I say it is the couple struggling financially when the wife goes out and buys another pocketbook without talking with her husband or the husband who buys more golf clubs without talking with his wife. You rationalization that it is OK because it was a huge sale, however your partner is saying you don’t need yet another pocketbook or golf club and you’re spending our money without talking about it.

We can all picture what happens next - right? It really does not matter who starts the ensuing argument and fight that follows. We have all seen, heard of or have been a part of one of these lack of communication fights. Why do they happen? They happen because the mentality is the same as if each were single. I make this money so I can buy this or I work hard so why shouldn’t I get this. we will discuss the money side of relationships in an upcoming blog.

The ensuing problem arrives because you are NOT single (but may very well be sooner then later if you keep this behavior up!). I believe if you are divorced you can relate to this to one degree or another and learn from it for the future. This goes for people in any serious relationship.

A relationship is based on trust and communication. Trust being that you respect and think of the other person or persons involved (spouse, children, partner, etc.) and will not do something that hurts them. Communication being that you are able to discuss anything openly and being comfortable confiding in the other. It is important to work on getting to a point where both of you can discuss anything without getting angry or judging what is being said. This means not just being able to say what you need to say but actually being in a conversation where you are also listening and being active about it.

So that leads us into what is active communication? It is NOT doing what most people believe communication is - saying what you have to say and then listening to the other person until a point is made that you want to reply to or have a thought about it. At this point you start putting together your thoughts and have just tuned out the other person and the rest of what they had to say. Some times we even assume that we know what they are going to say and interrupt them to “save time”. How many of you have even done that, or better yet have had that done to you? How does that make you feel? Yet we do it all the time - in our relationships, with our children, with friends.

Why is it so hard to just listen and let the other person say what is on there mind? To put it simply - we live in a world of instant gratification and do not want to wait but need to form our thoughts NOW! The problem: The mind is made to do one thing at a time (especially if you are a guy because that is our wiring), even though sometimes we feel like we are doing 30 things at once. So when we click into think mode then we click out of listen mode. Go ahead and think back to when this happened to you.

What about our kids? Everyone talks about how important communication is to keep kids out of trouble. And we do train our kids well. For instance, when we ask our kids why they did something and interrupt them because we think we know what they are going to say or because we are angry and don’t want to wait for them to finish.

So we are training them - training them to NOT speak with us. Why should they, if when they do we cut them off and make them feel like we are not really listening or we get angry. At a recent workshop I gave for Single Parents and teens I asked the parents how many thought that they where having effective communications with their teens. Do you know the result? All of them! This is pretty much what I get when that question is asked. Then I asked the teens how many feel that their parents take the time and actually hear them when they talk. What do you think that result was? You got it - all of them! Do you see any disparity here?

So how do we fix this canyon of separation? It is simple but not easy. Simple that you have to practice, like creating any other habit. It takes patience and remembering that you didn’t learn to drive a car in one day and now you hopefully are a good driver (otherwise let me know when you are on the road s I can get off). You have been using your communication, or lack thereof, for all these years so it takes time and it takes being conscious and present when communicating.

What I mean is you stay focused on what you are doing in that moment. If you are speaking then focus on what you are saying and think how it will land with the person you are talking with so you can present it the way you want and have it received the way you want. If you are listening then do not start thinking of your response but rather focus intensely on hearing every thing that persons says. That shows you are interested and respect what that person is saying.

You will find that you will better comprehend what the other person is saying and they of you. You will begin to notice that people will want to speak with you and each of you will be better understood. You will also find those miscommunications that seem to happen so often will now be very infrequent.

This is a big step forward. There are other tools that we will talk about at another time. This will give you time to get proficient at this so that the other things are more effective.

So really if there was meaningful, effective and mutual communication then as a couple or a family you can work on this and other challenges.

May this help reconnect and bring you closer to the people in your life!

So go out and start using this and I look forward to your comments on how this works for you!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein