What Is Communication?

What is communication and why is it so important? Well then - let me ask what is the number one reason given for people getting divorced? “They” say that it is money. That is a half truth. I strongly feel that it is the lack of communication with regard to money that causes the problems and ultimately the divorce.

I say it is the couple struggling financially when the wife goes out and buys another pocketbook without talking with her husband or the husband who buys more golf clubs without talking with his wife. You rationalization that it is OK because it was a huge sale, however your partner is saying you don’t need yet another pocketbook or golf club and you’re spending our money without talking about it.

We can all picture what happens next - right? It really does not matter who starts the ensuing argument and fight that follows. We have all seen, heard of or have been a part of one of these lack of communication fights. Why do they happen? They happen because the mentality is the same as if each were single. I make this money so I can buy this or I work hard so why shouldn’t I get this. we will discuss the money side of relationships in an upcoming blog.

The ensuing problem arrives because you are NOT single (but may very well be sooner then later if you keep this behavior up!). I believe if you are divorced you can relate to this to one degree or another and learn from it for the future. This goes for people in any serious relationship.

A relationship is based on trust and communication. Trust being that you respect and think of the other person or persons involved (spouse, children, partner, etc.) and will not do something that hurts them. Communication being that you are able to discuss anything openly and being comfortable confiding in the other. It is important to work on getting to a point where both of you can discuss anything without getting angry or judging what is being said. This means not just being able to say what you need to say but actually being in a conversation where you are also listening and being active about it.

So that leads us into what is active communication? It is NOT doing what most people believe communication is - saying what you have to say and then listening to the other person until a point is made that you want to reply to or have a thought about it. At this point you start putting together your thoughts and have just tuned out the other person and the rest of what they had to say. Some times we even assume that we know what they are going to say and interrupt them to “save time”. How many of you have even done that, or better yet have had that done to you? How does that make you feel? Yet we do it all the time - in our relationships, with our children, with friends.

Why is it so hard to just listen and let the other person say what is on there mind? To put it simply - we live in a world of instant gratification and do not want to wait but need to form our thoughts NOW! The problem: The mind is made to do one thing at a time (especially if you are a guy because that is our wiring), even though sometimes we feel like we are doing 30 things at once. So when we click into think mode then we click out of listen mode. Go ahead and think back to when this happened to you.

What about our kids? Everyone talks about how important communication is to keep kids out of trouble. And we do train our kids well. For instance, when we ask our kids why they did something and interrupt them because we think we know what they are going to say or because we are angry and don’t want to wait for them to finish.

So we are training them - training them to NOT speak with us. Why should they, if when they do we cut them off and make them feel like we are not really listening or we get angry. At a recent workshop I gave for Single Parents and teens I asked the parents how many thought that they where having effective communications with their teens. Do you know the result? All of them! This is pretty much what I get when that question is asked. Then I asked the teens how many feel that their parents take the time and actually hear them when they talk. What do you think that result was? You got it - all of them! Do you see any disparity here?

So how do we fix this canyon of separation? It is simple but not easy. Simple that you have to practice, like creating any other habit. It takes patience and remembering that you didn’t learn to drive a car in one day and now you hopefully are a good driver (otherwise let me know when you are on the road s I can get off). You have been using your communication, or lack thereof, for all these years so it takes time and it takes being conscious and present when communicating.

What I mean is you stay focused on what you are doing in that moment. If you are speaking then focus on what you are saying and think how it will land with the person you are talking with so you can present it the way you want and have it received the way you want. If you are listening then do not start thinking of your response but rather focus intensely on hearing every thing that persons says. That shows you are interested and respect what that person is saying.

You will find that you will better comprehend what the other person is saying and they of you. You will begin to notice that people will want to speak with you and each of you will be better understood. You will also find those miscommunications that seem to happen so often will now be very infrequent.

This is a big step forward. There are other tools that we will talk about at another time. This will give you time to get proficient at this so that the other things are more effective.

So really if there was meaningful, effective and mutual communication then as a couple or a family you can work on this and other challenges.

May this help reconnect and bring you closer to the people in your life!

So go out and start using this and I look forward to your comments on how this works for you!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

If I am right, does that make me happy?

How many arguments have we had and relations threatened because we had to show we were right? How many times was there a fracture in our relationships with our kids and other people close to us because we had to be right? And through this all, have you ever looked back after all is said and done and said, “That was a good point they made?” How about, “I wonder if she/he could be correct?” “There point seems to make more sense then mine?” Yet here we are still arguing and defending our point!

So, how many of you find yourself continuing to argue even after you begin to have doubt about your point being right? How about once we realize we are wrong? Do you still continue to argue because you don’t want to be wrong or do you storm away so you are not shown to be wrong? Why do we do this?

Why do we need to be right? How much more peaceful and how much better would our relationships be if we went in thinking that there does not have to be a right or wrong but that we should both be heard and then look for what makes the most sense to ME afterwords! Why do I have to prove myself right to someone else as long as I got my point across? How much better would it be if we got some great information from both sides of the discussion?

Here is another way to look at it. In Stephen Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” he shows a picture of a woman and asks, “What do you see?” A college professor asked the same question to his students. He put the picture on a screen and asked them to say what they saw. Then he let them argue over who was right and who was wrong. You see, half the class saw an older lady and the other half saw a young lady. They argued there point for some time because both groups of students felt they were right, therefore the other people must be wrong. However, the facts showed that they where BOTH right.

But how could that be? If someone is right, doesn’t that automatically make the other wrong? Well, let’s see what the college professor did. He then split out the picture to show both pictures to the students - the young lady and the older lady. Once he did this, all the students could see both pictures in the same frame. You see said the professor - you can both be right. It just depends on how you look at it.

What happens is each of us draws on our experiences and we use these experiences that we have stored to filter the way we see and think. That is one of the things that make us different, no two people have the exact experiences and even if they do have similar experiences they can come away with a different outlook. An example was shown by a graduate student at UCLA who was researching how people from the same type of situations come away with different takes on the experience based on these filters we create and our programming that began when we where young children.

The student interviewed twins who came from an abusive family. She first went to the state penitentiary and spoke with the first sister. The student asked, “What led you to live the type of life that would have you end up in prison?” Her answer was simple, “What do you expect my father beat me.”

Then she spoke to the other sister who was working at a charity that helped abused children and asked the same question. What do you think her answer was? The same exact answer – “What do you expect, my father beat me.”

So the next time you are in a situation where you are about to disagree with someone or get into an argument, maybe, just maybe, you can take a better approach. Maybe you can have a discussion and in the back of your mind remember there are two perspectives and both can be correct. Maybe you can even learn something that previously you would have been closed to when you where your old arguing just to be right self.

Try it and let me know what happens for you.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power - Every other Wed. at 5:30 PM EST
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein