What Is Communication?

What is communication and why is it so important? Well then - let me ask what is the number one reason given for people getting divorced? “They” say that it is money. That is a half truth. I strongly feel that it is the lack of communication with regard to money that causes the problems and ultimately the divorce.

I say it is the couple struggling financially when the wife goes out and buys another pocketbook without talking with her husband or the husband who buys more golf clubs without talking with his wife. You rationalization that it is OK because it was a huge sale, however your partner is saying you don’t need yet another pocketbook or golf club and you’re spending our money without talking about it.

We can all picture what happens next - right? It really does not matter who starts the ensuing argument and fight that follows. We have all seen, heard of or have been a part of one of these lack of communication fights. Why do they happen? They happen because the mentality is the same as if each were single. I make this money so I can buy this or I work hard so why shouldn’t I get this. we will discuss the money side of relationships in an upcoming blog.

The ensuing problem arrives because you are NOT single (but may very well be sooner then later if you keep this behavior up!). I believe if you are divorced you can relate to this to one degree or another and learn from it for the future. This goes for people in any serious relationship.

A relationship is based on trust and communication. Trust being that you respect and think of the other person or persons involved (spouse, children, partner, etc.) and will not do something that hurts them. Communication being that you are able to discuss anything openly and being comfortable confiding in the other. It is important to work on getting to a point where both of you can discuss anything without getting angry or judging what is being said. This means not just being able to say what you need to say but actually being in a conversation where you are also listening and being active about it.

So that leads us into what is active communication? It is NOT doing what most people believe communication is - saying what you have to say and then listening to the other person until a point is made that you want to reply to or have a thought about it. At this point you start putting together your thoughts and have just tuned out the other person and the rest of what they had to say. Some times we even assume that we know what they are going to say and interrupt them to “save time”. How many of you have even done that, or better yet have had that done to you? How does that make you feel? Yet we do it all the time - in our relationships, with our children, with friends.

Why is it so hard to just listen and let the other person say what is on there mind? To put it simply - we live in a world of instant gratification and do not want to wait but need to form our thoughts NOW! The problem: The mind is made to do one thing at a time (especially if you are a guy because that is our wiring), even though sometimes we feel like we are doing 30 things at once. So when we click into think mode then we click out of listen mode. Go ahead and think back to when this happened to you.

What about our kids? Everyone talks about how important communication is to keep kids out of trouble. And we do train our kids well. For instance, when we ask our kids why they did something and interrupt them because we think we know what they are going to say or because we are angry and don’t want to wait for them to finish.

So we are training them - training them to NOT speak with us. Why should they, if when they do we cut them off and make them feel like we are not really listening or we get angry. At a recent workshop I gave for Single Parents and teens I asked the parents how many thought that they where having effective communications with their teens. Do you know the result? All of them! This is pretty much what I get when that question is asked. Then I asked the teens how many feel that their parents take the time and actually hear them when they talk. What do you think that result was? You got it - all of them! Do you see any disparity here?

So how do we fix this canyon of separation? It is simple but not easy. Simple that you have to practice, like creating any other habit. It takes patience and remembering that you didn’t learn to drive a car in one day and now you hopefully are a good driver (otherwise let me know when you are on the road s I can get off). You have been using your communication, or lack thereof, for all these years so it takes time and it takes being conscious and present when communicating.

What I mean is you stay focused on what you are doing in that moment. If you are speaking then focus on what you are saying and think how it will land with the person you are talking with so you can present it the way you want and have it received the way you want. If you are listening then do not start thinking of your response but rather focus intensely on hearing every thing that persons says. That shows you are interested and respect what that person is saying.

You will find that you will better comprehend what the other person is saying and they of you. You will begin to notice that people will want to speak with you and each of you will be better understood. You will also find those miscommunications that seem to happen so often will now be very infrequent.

This is a big step forward. There are other tools that we will talk about at another time. This will give you time to get proficient at this so that the other things are more effective.

So really if there was meaningful, effective and mutual communication then as a couple or a family you can work on this and other challenges.

May this help reconnect and bring you closer to the people in your life!

So go out and start using this and I look forward to your comments on how this works for you!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

If I am right, does that make me happy?

How many arguments have we had and relations threatened because we had to show we were right? How many times was there a fracture in our relationships with our kids and other people close to us because we had to be right? And through this all, have you ever looked back after all is said and done and said, “That was a good point they made?” How about, “I wonder if she/he could be correct?” “There point seems to make more sense then mine?” Yet here we are still arguing and defending our point!

So, how many of you find yourself continuing to argue even after you begin to have doubt about your point being right? How about once we realize we are wrong? Do you still continue to argue because you don’t want to be wrong or do you storm away so you are not shown to be wrong? Why do we do this?

Why do we need to be right? How much more peaceful and how much better would our relationships be if we went in thinking that there does not have to be a right or wrong but that we should both be heard and then look for what makes the most sense to ME afterwords! Why do I have to prove myself right to someone else as long as I got my point across? How much better would it be if we got some great information from both sides of the discussion?

Here is another way to look at it. In Stephen Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” he shows a picture of a woman and asks, “What do you see?” A college professor asked the same question to his students. He put the picture on a screen and asked them to say what they saw. Then he let them argue over who was right and who was wrong. You see, half the class saw an older lady and the other half saw a young lady. They argued there point for some time because both groups of students felt they were right, therefore the other people must be wrong. However, the facts showed that they where BOTH right.

But how could that be? If someone is right, doesn’t that automatically make the other wrong? Well, let’s see what the college professor did. He then split out the picture to show both pictures to the students - the young lady and the older lady. Once he did this, all the students could see both pictures in the same frame. You see said the professor - you can both be right. It just depends on how you look at it.

What happens is each of us draws on our experiences and we use these experiences that we have stored to filter the way we see and think. That is one of the things that make us different, no two people have the exact experiences and even if they do have similar experiences they can come away with a different outlook. An example was shown by a graduate student at UCLA who was researching how people from the same type of situations come away with different takes on the experience based on these filters we create and our programming that began when we where young children.

The student interviewed twins who came from an abusive family. She first went to the state penitentiary and spoke with the first sister. The student asked, “What led you to live the type of life that would have you end up in prison?” Her answer was simple, “What do you expect my father beat me.”

Then she spoke to the other sister who was working at a charity that helped abused children and asked the same question. What do you think her answer was? The same exact answer – “What do you expect, my father beat me.”

So the next time you are in a situation where you are about to disagree with someone or get into an argument, maybe, just maybe, you can take a better approach. Maybe you can have a discussion and in the back of your mind remember there are two perspectives and both can be correct. Maybe you can even learn something that previously you would have been closed to when you where your old arguing just to be right self.

Try it and let me know what happens for you.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power - Every other Wed. at 5:30 PM EST
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Happy Holidays 2008!

Both myself and my staff wish you and your family a very Happy and Enjoyable Holiday Season! This is a great time of year to reflect on all the good things that has made us feel good, has put a smile on our face and have been a blessing to you and the people you care for! Now is a great time to be thankful for all the gifts given us through the past year and to start creating what we will like to come to be in 2009!

So often we spend so much time looking at what “bad” things have happened over the past year and sometimes even beyond and forget or give much less attention to the good things that have touched our lives. The friends who where there just when they where needed the most, the family members who put that extra touch on a holiday or birthday, your son or daughter who makes you feel extra special. There are so many good things that happen to us and yet how many of us keep reliving the bad things and loss sight of the good?

So please take this time to remember the small and large events that have had a positive impact on your life this year and take the time to thank the people who are important in your life and have made a difference to you.

We at Single Parent Power wish you all a fantastic, fun and safe holiday with the people who care about you and who make a difference in your life! May your life be blessed with family and friends and may the New Year bring health, happiness and abundance!

As is our custom I will close with some great holiday quotes:

“We have focused on the miracle-thing and I think we often overlook the message of Hanukkah. To me, the core of the holiday is the cleaning of the temple.... The accomplishment was in restoring the temple to the purpose for which it was built. Now think of the temple as a symbol. Perhaps it represents my life. The world has tried to use me for its own (perhaps good, but none-the-less extrinsic) purposes. But now I can rededicate myself to my own original purpose.” ~Ralph Levy

“The darkness of the whole world cannot swallow the glowing of a candle.” ~Robert Altinger

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” ~Chinese Proverb

“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” ~Richard Lewis

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” ~Dr. Seuss

“Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.”
Oren Arnold
“Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” ~Author unknown, attributed to a 7-year-old named Bobby

Enjoy family, friends and all that you do have in your life today – in this moment!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - "Helping Reconnect Families"
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein

Thanksgiving Message!!

Now is the time of year when we all think of all the turkey we will be eating and the great desserts we will be finishing at our feasts. We make decisions on who will be hosting the celebration this year (if you are lucky enough to have family and friends to share with, the money to have a feast and the job to feel good about spending that money). What about the families who have none of these? What about the struggling families? If they do not have a big feast but celebrate what they do have and the fact they are together - are they any less thankful? Or maybe even more? Something to think about.

This Thanksgiving gives us a reminder and an opportunity to step back and take inventory. We in our society are so ready and eager to look at what we don’t have, what other people have or what we “should” have but don’t. In this economy with so many people in trouble financially, losing their homes and their life savings – it is important to look at the people in our lives that make a difference!

We become jealous of people who have more then us, who have the “toys” we want or who have what is in vogue this year. Who’s doing what and who is not? How can we possibly be happy if we are always looking outward from our selves to feel fulfilled?

Thanksgiving is a reminder to each and every one of us – time to take account of what we do have! What do we really have in our lives to be grateful for? What are we taking for granted and who? When is the last time you said thank you to someone who has made or does make a difference in your life? When is the last time you looked at what you do have and was thankful that you have it in your life or that person in your life?

I think all we really need to do is watch the news and see the starving children who have no food and are so thin you can see their ribs, as well as the rest of their bones! How about the pictures of people after 9-11 who lost loved ones – spouses and parents! How lucky are we to still have our family and friends in our lives! What are material things when we let them become the thing that defines who and what we are?

How often have you said to yourself if I only had this I would be happy? When this happens I will feel better? How long have you been waiting to be happy and feel better? When we are happy where we are now then anything else we receive later is an added blessing. When we live for things we don’t possess then we are creating our feelings and thoughts based on what is out of our control.

I am thankful for so many things in my life – my son, my family, my fiancé, what I do and the way I help Single Parent Families and so much more! What are you thankful for in your life? – right now!

We at Single Parent Power wish you and the people who mean so much to you a happy and enjoyable Thanksgiving!

And let’s not forget the usual meaningful holiday quotes!

“Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.” ~Edward Sandford Martin

He who thanks but with the lips
Thanks but in part;
The full, the true Thanksgiving
Comes from the heart.
~J.A. Shedd

“Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory.” ~Author Unknown

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it” ~William Arthur Ward

“G-d gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?”’” ~William A. Ward

“Some people complain because G-d put thorns on roses,
while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns.”
Anonymous

“We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning.” ~Albert Barnes

“Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.” –Estonian Proverb

“You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.” –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

And lastly … “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” ~Irv Kupcinet

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Are You Thankful?

What do you focus on? As I listened to someone complaining on how miserable life is I started thinking, besides that the alternative to life is not such a great choice, that the times when I used to get into this space is when I focused on the things that one after another seemed to be going wrong.

I read an article the other day that talked about relationships and the old “80/20″ rule. For those of you who do not know this rule what it says is that in life there is always this ratio of 80% one aspect and 20% another. At the job about 20% of the people do about 80% of the productive work. You will be glad to know that I do not want to talk about work tonight but about relationships, life and how this rule affects Single Parent Families.

I looked back into my past and spoke with other Single Parents about their past. What I found is that the majority of us after a while use our power of choice, for some weird reason, to focus more on the 20% in our lives that are not working. For example, in a relationship that has passed the honeymoon phase and you have been together a while - 80% of the things are “good” and 20% of the things are “bad” in your eyes.

At the start of the relationship you where attracted to and focused on the 80% but as the relationship progresses you begin to focus on the 20%. So we begin to focus on the 20% which are “negatives” like he snores when he sleeps, she is always moving my things around, he double dips, she is always reminding me not to, and on and on. The problem is that what you focus on expands and becomes larger and larger.

So if you focus on the 20% that is what you keep in the front of your mind and that is what you look for to validate the “negatives” in the relationship. That is why when you speak to couples who break up after counseling and ask what the focus was they usually say fixing what was wrong in the relationship - the 20% “bad” and not focusing on the 80% that was “good” and making that expand.

What about life? What do we as Single Parents do when we start stressing out or having problems? We begin to focus more and more on the problem! What does that do? It creates a larger and larger problem because what we focus on … expands. So what do you think would happen if we decided to focus on the good things in our lives? After all, it does depend on how we look at things! Carol Burnett said, “I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that don’t work out, that’s when I’ve really learned.”

When things don’t go the way we want, then we have a choice - we can play the victim and let life direct us like a puppet or we can choose to direct our own life by controlling how we feel, how we respond and the life lesson we get out of it. You notice I did not say “react” because reacting requires no thinking and therefore by nature is not choice.

One positive we can look at are our blessings! We are healthy, we have great supportive friends, we have a roof over our head and food in our mouths, we have great children who love us, we have fantastic family who are there for us and on and on. I hope you are getting the picture. Take some time and write a list of what and who you are grateful for and look at it at least two times a day - when you get up and when you go to bed. In this way you remind yourself of the many blessings you do have in your life at the beginning of your day and at the close of your day.

You now know you have a choice. You can choose to look at the 20% of what is “wrong” in your life and miss out on the other 80% that is “good” OR you can choose to focus on the 80% of “good” things in your life and miss out on the 20% that you decide is “bad”. It is all up to you and how you decide to think and what you decide to focus on.

Until next time - remember that you are the best parent you can possibly be in this moment of time!

Please write your comments below and I look forward to reading them.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - "Helping Single Parent Families Reconnect"
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein

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