Does experience count?

Good parents all over the world want to help their children to succeed and to help them get what they themselves lacked as a child. I am sure you have thought about what you did not have as a child or the things your parents could not give you. Now that you are a parent you do not want your kids to go through the same experiences that you had to go through.

Who can blame you for wanting this? After all, your job is to support your children and that includes “saving” them from the bad experiences you went through growing up, so they don’t have to! The lack of clothes, the lack of attention, the lack of food, the lack of toys, the lack of a TV, and the list goes on. Each parent brings their own unique experiences to light here.

However, in our working to create the better environment for our children do we sometimes lose sight of the benefits that are provided by our experiences? Even though your experiences growing up where not ideal, they may have been your driving force to get you where you are now. You may appreciate what you have now even more as a result of what you lacked as child. Whatever your experience may be, take a look back and really examine where you are today and what role those experiences growing up play into who you are. Every experience, no matter how painful, has a lesson hidden in it.

What I have found is our parental instinct is to protect our children from anything that can hurt them, has the potential to hurt them or that can disappoint them. However, where do you draw the line from what you must do to protect your children and what we choose to do, from your point of view, to protect them.

When is it advantageous to allow your kid to experience defeat, experience loss, experience not being able to have something? If the situation is not life threatening then should we stand back and allow our children to learn through experience? Do we not learn more from our experiences then from someone telling us? Do we not have to learn how to extract lessons from our experiences so we do not repeat them?

Henry Ford said, “Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger… for the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grief’s we endure help us in our marching onward.”

Everyone continuously experiences events throughout the day. If these are all protected experiences for your children then they never get the benefits of experiences that don’t go the way they want or the so called “negative” experiences and the lessons on how to deal with the results that don’t come as easily. How does this prepare them for life? How does this teach them to benefit from experiences?

As Robert Packwood said, “Judgment comes from experience, and great judgment comes from bad experience.”

So the theme of this week is that as a parent you can be too protective and as a result deprive your children of one of the required tools to be successful in life! With that said here is our quote of the week.

“Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

So have a wonderful week of knowing that you are letting your children experience, learn and be motivated as a result!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. – “Helping Reconnect Families”
Operation Renewal, LLC – “Helping Military Families Stay Connected”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Click to follow me on: Twitter Facebook Linkedin

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
479-935-3986 – Arkansas Office
516-355-1552 – New York Office

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” – Albert Einstein

Thanksgiving is ...

Now is the time of year when we think of all the turkey we will be eating and the great desserts to follow. We make decisions on who will be hosting the celebration this year (if you are lucky enough to have family and friends to share with, the money to have a feast and the job to feel good about so you can spend that money). What about the families who have none of these? What about the struggling families? If they do not have a big feast but celebrate what they do have and are together? Are they any less thankful? Or maybe even more? Something to think about.

This Thanksgiving gives us a reminder and an opportunity to step back and take inventory. We in our society are so quick to look at what we don’t have, what other people do have or what we “should” have but don’t. In this economy with so many people in trouble financially, losing there homes and there life savings – it is even more important to look at the people who make a difference in our lives!

We become jealous of people who have more then us, who have the toys we want or have what is in vogue this year. Who is doing what and who is not. How can we possibly be happy if we are always looking outward from our selves in order to feel fulfilled?

Thanksgiving is a reminder to each and every one of us – time to take account of what we do have! What do we really have in our lives to be grateful for? What are we taking for granted and who? When is the last time you said thank you to someone who has made or does make a difference in your life? When is the last time you looked at what you do have and were thankful that you have it in your life?

I think all we really need to do is watch the news and see the starving children who have no food and are so thin you can see their ribs,as well as the rest of their bones! How about the pictures of people after 9-11 who lost loved ones – spouses, parents and children! Or the families of members in the military who will be spending this holiday season without their spouse / parent? How lucky are we to still have our family and friends in our lives! What good are material things when they become what defines who and what we are?

How often have you said to yourself if I only had this I would be happy? Once this happens I will feel better? How long have you been waiting to be happy and to feel better? When we are happy at where we are now, then anything else we receive is an added blessing. When we live for things we don’t possess then we are creating our feelings and thoughts based on what is out of our control.

I am thankful for so many things in my life – my son, my family, my wife,my friends, what I do and the opportunity I have to help both Single Parent Families and Military Families, as well as so many more things I am grateful for! What are you thankful for in your life – right now?

We at Single Parent Power wish you and the people who mean so much to you a happy and enjoyable Thanksgiving!

And let’s not forget the usual holiday quotes!!

“Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.” ~ Edward Sandford Martin

He who thanks but with the lips
Thanks but in part;
The full, the true Thanksgiving
Comes from the heart.
J.A. Shedd

“Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory.” ~ Author Unknown

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it” ~ William Arthur Ward

“G-d gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?” ~ William A. Ward

“Some people complain because G-d put thorns on roses,
while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns.” ~ Anonymous

“We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning.” ~ Albert Barnes

“Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.” ~ Estonian Proverb

“You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.” ~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon

And lastly … “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” ~ Irv Kupcinet

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert

Single Parent Power, Inc. – “Helping Reconnect Families”

www.SingleParentPower.com

www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog

Click to follow me on: Twitter Facebook Linkedin

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com

516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” – Albert Einstein

Are You Conforming?

Are you unique or do you conform? We recognize and are taught at a young age that it can be much easier and beneficial to fit in. Nobody picks on you, your parents are happy you’re not getting in trouble, and you don’t stand out as being different.

Parents help mold their kids to fit in and to conform. They tell you, you can’t wear that because it does not look right and you can’t do that because that’s not the way things are done. So we see our kids beginning to conform, not making decisions for themselves but making decisions based on what others think! As a result they do not express their unique talents but rather suppress them to fit in. And so it begins!

If you are doing what it takes to fit in, when can you be yourself and when do you go too far? Do you ever lose sight of who you are in order to be someone who fits in better? Where and when do you draw the line to stop following others in order to belong? Are kids who live this life the ones you read about who got in trouble because they where just following someone else? They are just doing what everyone else is doing!

Adults can also put themselves in embarrassing or bad situations so they can be with the right crowd or they won’t speak up because no one else has (if you are 1st then you stand out - how uncomfortable!). Let’s go to extremes to prove a point. Let’s look at the people form Johannessburg who committed suicide as a group because they where told to or the old lynch mobs who went as a group to hang someone or the mobs who destroyed downtown LA because of a court ruling. What did they all have in common - a leader who started it and followers who needed to belong and needed someone to follow!

What I am saying is it is usually easier to follow the crowd but you can be so much more by going against the norm and being YOU - the genuine you! Thinking for yourself and making your own decisions! Not worrying what the others will think about you but following your core feelings deep in your gut! E.E. Cummings said it well,“The hardest battle in life, is to be nobody but yourself, in a world that is working night and day to make you like everybody else.”

When you lose sight of who you are and the choices you know are right in order to fit in and belong, you then give up on who you are and what you believe in. Is it worth belonging if you have to compromise on your beliefs? Is it worth training your kids to conform if it means hindering who they are? My own best friends, the ones I can always count on, are a result of me being me! As Dr. Suess so profoundly put it, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Some of the greatest discoveries happened because of individuals who did not go with the crowd but against it. Some of the most famous people in history who have contributed to society where laughed at for being different and not conforming.

People who said the world was not flat but round, people who said the planets did not revolve around the Earth but revolved around the sun instead, or light does not have to come from fire but can come from a thing called a bulb. Of course, let’s not forget our forefathers who rebelled against the British, at the risk of death because of their beliefs and willingness to act against the norm!

I am sure you can come up with many more stories but the fact is we move forward as a society because people stay true to themselves and follow their belief in who they are rather then conform and listen to what they are told they should be. The reality is you feel at peace with yourself when you are not putting on a front but when you are being you!

So the following quote is about being unique and going against the crowd to be all you can be, to put your own mark on this world and to make a difference!

“Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.” ~ Winston Churchill

Have a great weekend and hears to swimming up stream against the current!!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Why Can't I Understand?

This week we are going to touch on what it takes to understand. The route to understanding is through the use of effective communication and through connection with others. What do I mean by this?

To understand someone, first you have to be able to effectively communicate with them. One good way to do this is through the use of active communication. Active communication, in a nut shell, occurs when the listener places his/her full attention on the speaker and then repeats back what he/she heard to confirm that the speaker and the listener are both on the same page with what was said and what was heard.

The second component to understanding someone, is related to your connection with them. Why is connection so important? Because without it you lose a huge chunk of the opportunity to fully understand! Have you ever been "listening" to someone and find yourself thinking about something "more important"? How does that make you feel in relation to the other person who is speaking? How do you think the speaker feels when they realize you are not really paying attention to them? What do you feel when this happens to you? Do you feel connected?

Instead of connection you get separation! So we now know a great way to help connect us with someone is to give our full attention to the person speaking and use active communication to hear what they are saying, you need to be interested in what they are conveying and you need to then repeat back what you heard to confirm it is what was said and meant. Then the same process occurs when the roles are reversed.

How does this work with our kids? A great place to start is to not only take the time to listen and be interested in what they have to say and share, but to also go to the place they are in now. Read the books they are reading, listen to the music they are listening to, watch the shows they watch and do the things they like to do. This way when the conversations begin you are in their space and can relate on a much higher plain then if you just talk from a disconnected position. I believe we have all been in this place when we try to talk with our kids and they know we don't get it and so they no longer are interested in talking with us – we just created a disconnect.

Now, because you have taken the time to do what they do, you can ask them questions or discuss their opinions from a place of understanding and yet it does not necessarily have to be in agreement. Disagreement can make for some interesting conversations and a better understanding of each others point of view. Amazing things happen when you get down to your kids levels, do what they like and then be able to talk to them about it. You are showing them that you care about them, you want to understand them and you want to be a part of their world too.

This my friend creates connection and allows your relationship with your kids to go to the next level. What we are talking about does not only apply to your kids but also applies to life in general. When you take the time and interest to connect with any one you will see the difference this makes in that relationship; whether a family member, someone you are dating, married to or someone you work with - getting connected makes a huge difference!

With this in mind here is our Quote of the Week:

"Understanding is a two-way street." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

So this week our challenge to you is to take your relationship to the next level with your kids and start doing the things they do and see how your relationship blossoms.

If you are already doing this, that is fantastic! Think on what you can do to take it to another level?

Please forward this to anyone who can benefit from what we are sharing and we would love to get your feedback on how this has changed your relationships by email at info@SingeParentPower.com!

Have a wonderful week and stay connected!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - "Helping Reconnect Families"
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert

rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
479-935-3986 - Arkansas Office
516-355-1552 - New York Office

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein

What is Father's Day about?

Happy Father’s Day to you for being the best Dad (and for the Mom’s who have to also be a Dad)!

Father’s Day is great time to reflect on what a Father is and how you affect your kids. It is a time to reflect on all the great gifts you do have in your life. Father’s Day is a time to watch your kids and see you in them and also see them for the unique individual they are. It is the time to enjoy the adults you are molding and to enjoy the changes that are taking place.

Here are some quotes that inspired me and helped me to be the best Dad I could. May they inspire you too to continue be the Dad you are meant to be!

• “Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.” ~ Unknown

• “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~Clarence Budington Kelland

• “Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.”
– Ruth E. Renkel

• “A man’s children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season”. — Unknown

• “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” - Charles Wadsworth

“One night a father heard his son pray: Dear G-d, make me the kind of man my daddy is. Later that night, the father prayed: Dear Lord make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.” – Anonymous

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” - Jim Valvano

We at Single Parent Power want to wish you a very happy Father’s Day. We trust you will create a very special day and hope our little contribution will help add to that!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
479-935-3986 - Arkansas Office
516-355-1552 - New York Office

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Is this hard times or opportunity times?

I know plenty of people are being challenged in all aspects of life in this time of “scarcity”. I know I am! All the papers, magazines, news broadcasts on radio and TV are all continuously telling us about how bad things are!

Every where we look we are reminded how bad things are. We hear about GM filing bankruptcy, Chrysler being sold to Fiat, AIG having problems again and it goes on and on! We all know someone who has lost a job or is worried about losing it, people who have lost retirement savings in the market and again it goes on and on.

So why am I talking about what we already know to ad nauseam? Because we can be led by the media into self sabotage. What do I mean you ask? How do we feel after we hear about the major problems in our economy and how record number of people are being foreclosed on, filing bankruptcy, etc. We file like crap! Why? Because we are being inundated with negatives that drag us down. Then we start buying into it and the cycle perpetuates.

Yet, there are people succeeding and doing well in this economy! But how can that be? Could it be that they are just lucky? In the right place at the right time? It just fell in their laps? Or could it be that in this time of the “sky is falling” they saw and grabbed onto opportunities that still exist? Could it be that they did not buy into the news but instead looked for these opportunities and created their own reality?

Is this not an opportunity to erase all the selfishness and greed that has brought us to this place by replacing it with a desire to contribute and help each other? Does a tidal wave not start as a small wave that builds to large proportions? Does it not feed on the momentum of all the smaller waves? Hasn’t change occurred because of a small group of people initiated it?

So let’s start that movement to the place of unity instead of separation. Let’s work together to help each other get back on our feet and to right this country! Let’s no longer allow the greedy and self centered few to destroy our lives and the lives of the people we care about!

What would happen if we stopped listening to the media and started creating our own realities. What would happen if we started helping each other? What would happen if we decided that this is an opportunity to walk the path we where destined to?

Let’s move toward action and success. Let’s watch the changes occur as we create rather then destroy! Let’s create our own reality that helps us and others at the same time! Let’s learn from others mistakes and make great choices versus self centered, greed choices. Let’s create the reality we wish. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Have a great day and go create!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

What Is Communication?

What is communication and why is it so important? Well then - let me ask what is the number one reason given for people getting divorced? “They” say that it is money. That is a half truth. I strongly feel that it is the lack of communication with regard to money that causes the problems and ultimately the divorce.

I say it is the couple struggling financially when the wife goes out and buys another pocketbook without talking with her husband or the husband who buys more golf clubs without talking with his wife. You rationalization that it is OK because it was a huge sale, however your partner is saying you don’t need yet another pocketbook or golf club and you’re spending our money without talking about it.

We can all picture what happens next - right? It really does not matter who starts the ensuing argument and fight that follows. We have all seen, heard of or have been a part of one of these lack of communication fights. Why do they happen? They happen because the mentality is the same as if each were single. I make this money so I can buy this or I work hard so why shouldn’t I get this. we will discuss the money side of relationships in an upcoming blog.

The ensuing problem arrives because you are NOT single (but may very well be sooner then later if you keep this behavior up!). I believe if you are divorced you can relate to this to one degree or another and learn from it for the future. This goes for people in any serious relationship.

A relationship is based on trust and communication. Trust being that you respect and think of the other person or persons involved (spouse, children, partner, etc.) and will not do something that hurts them. Communication being that you are able to discuss anything openly and being comfortable confiding in the other. It is important to work on getting to a point where both of you can discuss anything without getting angry or judging what is being said. This means not just being able to say what you need to say but actually being in a conversation where you are also listening and being active about it.

So that leads us into what is active communication? It is NOT doing what most people believe communication is - saying what you have to say and then listening to the other person until a point is made that you want to reply to or have a thought about it. At this point you start putting together your thoughts and have just tuned out the other person and the rest of what they had to say. Some times we even assume that we know what they are going to say and interrupt them to “save time”. How many of you have even done that, or better yet have had that done to you? How does that make you feel? Yet we do it all the time - in our relationships, with our children, with friends.

Why is it so hard to just listen and let the other person say what is on there mind? To put it simply - we live in a world of instant gratification and do not want to wait but need to form our thoughts NOW! The problem: The mind is made to do one thing at a time (especially if you are a guy because that is our wiring), even though sometimes we feel like we are doing 30 things at once. So when we click into think mode then we click out of listen mode. Go ahead and think back to when this happened to you.

What about our kids? Everyone talks about how important communication is to keep kids out of trouble. And we do train our kids well. For instance, when we ask our kids why they did something and interrupt them because we think we know what they are going to say or because we are angry and don’t want to wait for them to finish.

So we are training them - training them to NOT speak with us. Why should they, if when they do we cut them off and make them feel like we are not really listening or we get angry. At a recent workshop I gave for Single Parents and teens I asked the parents how many thought that they where having effective communications with their teens. Do you know the result? All of them! This is pretty much what I get when that question is asked. Then I asked the teens how many feel that their parents take the time and actually hear them when they talk. What do you think that result was? You got it - all of them! Do you see any disparity here?

So how do we fix this canyon of separation? It is simple but not easy. Simple that you have to practice, like creating any other habit. It takes patience and remembering that you didn’t learn to drive a car in one day and now you hopefully are a good driver (otherwise let me know when you are on the road s I can get off). You have been using your communication, or lack thereof, for all these years so it takes time and it takes being conscious and present when communicating.

What I mean is you stay focused on what you are doing in that moment. If you are speaking then focus on what you are saying and think how it will land with the person you are talking with so you can present it the way you want and have it received the way you want. If you are listening then do not start thinking of your response but rather focus intensely on hearing every thing that persons says. That shows you are interested and respect what that person is saying.

You will find that you will better comprehend what the other person is saying and they of you. You will begin to notice that people will want to speak with you and each of you will be better understood. You will also find those miscommunications that seem to happen so often will now be very infrequent.

This is a big step forward. There are other tools that we will talk about at another time. This will give you time to get proficient at this so that the other things are more effective.

So really if there was meaningful, effective and mutual communication then as a couple or a family you can work on this and other challenges.

May this help reconnect and bring you closer to the people in your life!

So go out and start using this and I look forward to your comments on how this works for you!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
SingleParentPower.com/Blog
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power
Follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/RonDilbert
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

If I am right, does that make me happy?

How many arguments have we had and relations threatened because we had to show we were right? How many times was there a fracture in our relationships with our kids and other people close to us because we had to be right? And through this all, have you ever looked back after all is said and done and said, “That was a good point they made?” How about, “I wonder if she/he could be correct?” “There point seems to make more sense then mine?” Yet here we are still arguing and defending our point!

So, how many of you find yourself continuing to argue even after you begin to have doubt about your point being right? How about once we realize we are wrong? Do you still continue to argue because you don’t want to be wrong or do you storm away so you are not shown to be wrong? Why do we do this?

Why do we need to be right? How much more peaceful and how much better would our relationships be if we went in thinking that there does not have to be a right or wrong but that we should both be heard and then look for what makes the most sense to ME afterwords! Why do I have to prove myself right to someone else as long as I got my point across? How much better would it be if we got some great information from both sides of the discussion?

Here is another way to look at it. In Stephen Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” he shows a picture of a woman and asks, “What do you see?” A college professor asked the same question to his students. He put the picture on a screen and asked them to say what they saw. Then he let them argue over who was right and who was wrong. You see, half the class saw an older lady and the other half saw a young lady. They argued there point for some time because both groups of students felt they were right, therefore the other people must be wrong. However, the facts showed that they where BOTH right.

But how could that be? If someone is right, doesn’t that automatically make the other wrong? Well, let’s see what the college professor did. He then split out the picture to show both pictures to the students - the young lady and the older lady. Once he did this, all the students could see both pictures in the same frame. You see said the professor - you can both be right. It just depends on how you look at it.

What happens is each of us draws on our experiences and we use these experiences that we have stored to filter the way we see and think. That is one of the things that make us different, no two people have the exact experiences and even if they do have similar experiences they can come away with a different outlook. An example was shown by a graduate student at UCLA who was researching how people from the same type of situations come away with different takes on the experience based on these filters we create and our programming that began when we where young children.

The student interviewed twins who came from an abusive family. She first went to the state penitentiary and spoke with the first sister. The student asked, “What led you to live the type of life that would have you end up in prison?” Her answer was simple, “What do you expect my father beat me.”

Then she spoke to the other sister who was working at a charity that helped abused children and asked the same question. What do you think her answer was? The same exact answer – “What do you expect, my father beat me.”

So the next time you are in a situation where you are about to disagree with someone or get into an argument, maybe, just maybe, you can take a better approach. Maybe you can have a discussion and in the back of your mind remember there are two perspectives and both can be correct. Maybe you can even learn something that previously you would have been closed to when you where your old arguing just to be right self.

Try it and let me know what happens for you.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Reconnect Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/Single-Parent-Power - Every other Wed. at 5:30 PM EST
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein